


All In Your Head

by mattzerella_sticks



Series: Season 14 Inspired [14]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: 14X10 Coda, And what that promo for 14x11 meant, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Because we all know what it said in that book, Comforting Castiel, Dean Winchester's Book of Death, Flirty Dean Winchester, M/M, Near Love Confessions, Nervous Castiel, Nervous Dean Winchester, Optimistic Castiel, Plans For The Future, Post 14x10, Post Nihilism, Suicidal Thoughts, Sweet Castiel, Sweet Dean Winchester, Tired Dean, all the feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 02:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17458751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mattzerella_sticks/pseuds/mattzerella_sticks
Summary: Post 14x10 "Nihilism"Cas checks up on Dean after Michael's possession. They talk, and come to two very different conclusions about next steps. But that's to be expected when you're hiding things.





	All In Your Head

**Author's Note:**

> So that episode! It had a lot of great moments, and my heart was P-P-P-PUMPING!!!
> 
> Anyway, here's a softer coda than the one I wrote before! Enjoy!

            Cas waited in front of Dean’s door, fist raised and ready to knock. He’s been there for some time, each time working up the courage to connect and tearing it down brick by brick. ‘ _It’s stupid, Castiel_ ,’ he thinks, ‘ _You’re being **stupid**. Either knock or… leave._’ Cas still can’t make a decision.

            He doesn’t have to.

            Dean swings it wide open, nearly banging into Cas on his way out. “Woah,” he says, “Am I on lockdown or something?” His gaze shifts all around Cas, never fully landing on him.

            “No, no…” Cas says, fist lowering, “I – uh… I’m here to check on you is all.”

            Dean chuckles, scratching at his neck. “Nothing’s changed, Cas. Except for maybe the outfit – couldn’t get out of the suit fast enough. I don’t know how ol’ Mikey could stand it – everything he picked was so… _scratchy_. Hey, when did he even change clothes if he –“

            “Are you _okay_?”

            He stops rambling, blinking his wide eyes at Cas. They’re red-rimmed, and the sight only draws Cas closer. Dean steps back. “Cas, personal space.”

            “That’s not an answer.”

            “Mind the gap and maybe you’ll get one.”

            Cas moves back, gesturing to the divide now between them. Dean huffs, turning back around into his room. He follows him, keeping the distance. Sitting on his bed, Dean kicks his feet, making every kind of noise imaginable except words. Cas, leaning against his desk, doesn’t mind. There’s nowhere else he needs to be, or would rather be.

            “Come on, Cas,” Dean says, rubbing at his jaw, “D’you really need to do this?”

            Cas sighs, one hand trailing across the desk. “I was in your head, Dean. I saw many things… and now that you’ve trapped Michael there. I… I only want to know how you’re doing.”

            “Peachy, Cas. Real good,” he says, standing, “I’ve held worse things down – should’ve seen me after some bad gas station sandwiches. Now _that_ was tough.” He breaks his own rule, crossing over to him. “What about you?”

            “What about me?”

            “You said it yourself – you saw inside my ol’ noggin. Now _I_ can handle all my crap… do _you_ need to talk about any of it?”

            He rolls his eyes. “Your traumas are not new to me, Dean. We’ve shared many of them… whether in the battle or through our stories. Pain is something I have… _intimate_ knowledge of.”

            “What about the other memories?”

            “Happiness, while a foreign concept for us, is still nothing unusual,” he says, head tilting, “Was there… something I should have seen?”

            “I don’t know, Cas,” Dean shrugs, “If you did, you have a terrible way of showing it.”

            He’s confused. By Dean’s words, his roving stare, and the air of melancholy surrounding him, suffocating Cas the longer he and Dean are near each other. His hand searches, running over leather. ‘ _A book?_ ’ Cas’s hand runs over it, skimming the edge, closing his fingers around the spine.

            “Here,” Dean says suddenly, grabbing at Cas’s hand, “if you want… you can take a second look, Make sure Michael’s safe for yourself.” He presses his hand to his cheek, lightly scraping it against his stubble.

            It startles Cas, scattering his thoughts even more into the whirlwind of sadness and… ‘ _expectation?_ ’ He tries pulling back. “No, I – I trust your word. Your mind deserves its rest. And…”

            “And?”

            “I would rather not reacquaint myself with Michael for a… long time.”

            “Cas,” Dean whispers, “He… you know he was lying, don’t you?” They’ve been staring into each other’s eyes for a while, longer than any of the brief looks they’ve tossed one another in recent years. It reminds Cas of a different time, when their worries and responsibilities were enough for _one_ reality.

            ‘ _Have things really changed **so** much?’ _He offers him a tight-lipped smile, breaking their connection. “I know,” he tells Dean, “Michael, in any reality, is a manipulative bastard. But having him say those things – things that I’ve struggled with, _actually_ accepted for a while – with… _your_ face and voice. It… brought me back to a dark place.”

            Dean hums, thumb stroking against the back of Cas’s hand. He hadn’t dropped it, keeping it there, warm against his cheek. “I’ve never felt that way.”

            “I know.”

            “I know you know,” he chuckles, continuing, “But… I’m gonna say it anyway. You don’t have to be anything except yourself Cas, because I don’t _ever_ think of you as something to use. You’re someone I trust… someone I like bein’ around… I like _myself_ when I’m around you… and I – I…” Dean whistles out another laugh, turning away. Blushing, he says, “Maybe Michael is rattling a few things up in there…”

            Cas’s grace thrums under his skin. Sure that if his heart worked like a human’s, it’d pump like the drums in his mix tape. Dean sneaks a quick peek at Cas before flitting his eyes away again. It’s all he needed. Cas noticed a sweet emotion, blossoming within Dean’s grassy field. A flower so beautiful, all he wanted to do was shower it with his own light, so it blooms even further; until it completely covered Dean’s meadowy eyes.

            “Dean…” he whispers, “I…” But like a fawn, Dean shies further inward. ‘ _Maybe… maybe not now._ ’ He travels down another path. “…Michael won’t be here for long.”

            “…What?”

            “We’ll find a way to safely extract him from your mind… and make sure he doesn’t pose a threat to you or – or _anyone_ ever again.”

            Dean frowns. “It’s… I don’t mind being his cage, Cas –“

            “But you aren’t a _cage_ , Dean,” Cas says, “You’re more than that. More than some soldier or a… a blunt tool. _You_ are _Dean Winchester_. And we’ll do everything we can to keep you that way. I… I will do all in my power to help.”

            “That’s…” Dean shudders out a breath. “That’s a nice thought, Cas.” Pausing, a shaky smile stretches across his face. “You know what else was a nice thought… that bar.”

            “Has owning a bar always been a dream of yours?”

            “Wasn’t so much the bar but the… security, the settling,” Dean explains, “The ability to _build_ something that was mine and… still have it the next day. That no one could take away.”

            “I see…” Cas says, “Maybe when this is all over… we could try making your dreams reality.”

            “…Cas –“

            “I’ve seen different ‘For Sale’ signs within Lebanon. I’m sure we can figure out how to purchase one of these buildings for you to use.”

            Dean doesn’t react at first. But then he snorts, his chest convulsing with silent laughter. “You… you almost…” He sighs, wiping away a stray tear, “I don’t know the first thing about running a business.”

            “Neither do I,” Cas says, “But we can learn… _together_?”

            “…Together.” Dean extracts himself from Cas’s orbit, returning to his bed. “All this future talk, Cas… m’exhausted. Think I’ll get some shut eye before Michael starts acting up again.”

            He nods. “I’ll let you rest, then.” Cas makes it to the doorway, leaving with one last thing. “If Michael starts troubling, don’t be afraid to call for Sam or to… to _pray_.”

            “…Thanks Cas. I will.”

            Cas shuts the door, then. As he walks away, the weight of their conversation strikes him. Thunder echoes in his mind, lightning coursing up and down his veins from the excitement. ‘ _Things… might actually be in our favor, this time. We **can** save the world **and** Dean… I know we can._’

* * *

             Dean waits until he can’t hear Cas’s footfalls any longer. He gets up, moseying over to his desk, picking up Billie’s book. ‘ _Can’t believe he almost saw…_ ’ he thinks, looking around his room, ‘ _If he found out…_ ’ Moving towards his dresser, he slides his shirt drawer open before slipping the book under a few flannels.

            ‘ _There were so many things he almost found out_ ,’ Dean smiles bitterly, more tears springing up from the corners of his eyes, ‘ _It’s not like you’re going to have that many chances Dean._ ’ He wipes them away with the back of his hand. ‘ _Pam was right… so stupid to want what I can’t have._ ’

            “Not like I’d be able to have him even if I could,” he sighs, slumping onto the bed, arms spread out wide. “It’s… for the best though. Cas… he and – and all of them… Sammy, Ma, and Jack… they won’t have to worry about me no longer. They can keep floating… since all I’m good for these days is _drowning_.”

            He barely gets any sleep. But he doesn’t dare pray.

**Author's Note:**

> Did you liiiiike? Let me know! Drop a kudos/comment!!


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